Parenting: Convertible Style

The moment kids enter into the teenage years they become foreigners in familiar land. They don’t rightly know themselves and are attempting to carve identity out of new fashion, fads and phases. With updates downloading at high speeds they run into frustration and disappointment faster. It’s years of wrestling with their own desires, their struggles and the impossibility of getting life right. They are exposed to the “world” and all that accompanies

it. As parents or mentors of teens we have to be ready to be irrelevant and deeply needed all in the same emotionally charged conversation. This is a whole new animal; beautiful creatures that emerge over the span of 3-5 years. Our knee jerk reaction is to coddle them or heavily correct them, neither option will produce

what both parties are after. They are wanting the same sense of stability they’ve had their whole life, they’re banking on us staying the same as they develop new notions, world views and grandiose ideas of how to do it better. Society needs for us to get this season right, they’re the next generation to steward the earth. What they land on in these formidable years is crucial. How can we best navigate these years... I am all for the convertible car style of parenting & mentoring teens—allowing the fullness of life to be experienced from ranging angles; even sin *gasp*- I know. Our family is surrounded by Christian culture at varying degrees; from the sheltered to the fear based, and apathetic styles of dealing. With the sheltered taking precedence, it becomes hard to relate to the needs of other families that are all around. I simply view struggle and sin-issues differently, I see it as opportunity for great conversation. Necessary conversation. Questions, questions and questions some more. When a single word, with negative connotations attached is found scrolled upon a white board becoming the catalyst for reinforcing the “shelter” walls surrounding our teens, we’re trapping them in a fairytale of sorts. Christianity doesn’t need anymore imprisoned teenagers looking to reintegrate in their early adult years—especially from Neverland. We need informed hearts that have wrestled with the decisions of humanity. Those that have been allowed in the dark alleyway thoughts as well as the wide open pasture of asking questions learning how to think rather than being told what to think. They have the questions anyway; creating a culture where inquisition is viewed as healthy and essential to building an incredible world view and theological foundation is crucial. I’m not coming at this conversation with all the answers or having brilliantly raising teens. What I bring to the table is lack, failure and a passion to do it better. As Christians we get our doctrinal panties in a wad over, “be in the world, but not of it”. We live counter-culturally to attempt to avoid appearing to be of “it”. What we fail to understand is that there is another tight rope running parallel to that scripture, “love your neighbor as yourself”, your neighbor that is shaded differently, the one that differs in sexual orientation, the one that follows a different book & deity. Our fear-driven attempt to be in it but not of it has capsized the adventure altogether. Love is the adventure! It’s impossible to fulfill Jesus’ first or second commandment well when barricaded within fear’s walls. Fear and love don’t partner well. Shepherding teens takes a brave heart. You have to brace for the storms, they will come. Whether they produce fear or love is what we need to decide is most valuable. One of our values as a family is keeping no records of wrong and taking the time to land in love. We’ve had hard experiences; gut wrenching at times. We’ve had to make decisions to be willing to talk through it openly or reinforce the walls of their shelter because its all scary as hell. All of our kids have had to learn to navigate negative feelings toward people that have spread vicious rumors and done less than things. And alternatively, we've had serious conversations about not partnering in talk that furthers separation. As the parents we've had reactive, protective responses of, “that’s it, we’re done!”, declaring, “this is bad!” Our reaction gave our heart response a run for its money. But that’s just it, provocation offers transformative growth if you allow it to burrow beyond the fear to help you land in a lofty place of love. The opposite is true of sticking your landing in fear—that’s a stuck place of offense filled with accusation where little to no freedom lives. The former is an opportunity for love and grace to partner in the privilege of restoration through the principle of redemption. Jesus said, “let them come to me”, concerning the children. Let them wrestle the sad, bad, mean, hopeful, happy, desperate situations with holy guidance. Guide them in these scenarios while your voice carries weight; and it does. Let love be your greatest weapon.