Stay with Me

It seems betrayal has established a friendship of sorts with me. Hangs out, taunting my emotions, leaving many answers questioned. I seem to recognize it on the most innocent of faces. How can something so cutting produce any kind of life or light? This one entity seems to cut through all niceties straight to the core of the raging fire that I'm coming to know as my emotions. Restricting my ability to trust anything I feel. As though I've been overridden and found questioning people and things I would otherwise trust. Causing such great doubt and fear. How dare they take up arms against me, against all that I genuinely deem to be lovely.

The underlying layer of the rage within me is a still, small body of water. Like a mirror reflecting a self image that I know so well. A gentle, kind soul, with eyes that bounce in laughter and smile through most of life. A heart that trusts deeply and effectively. Compassion that would entice any heart to come take a peek in these waters. And above all, a passion that knows no bounds. I'm familiar and most comfortable with her. She seemingly knows who she is.

As in a dream this is what I saw...

Closing in on me, weapons raised, aiming toward my heart, my head, me. Shots fired. Hit three times. Penetrated in the most innocent, vulnerable parts of who I've known myself to be. Lying there in a dark, battle esque dream; broken and scared. Mind racing into the most dangerous crossfire. Hatred. Fear. Failure. Vengeance dressed up as me. Weapons that seemed to whisper my name, in my voice, as though we were meant for one another. It's all so real and yet so vague at the same time. Attempting to survey the situation like an out of body experience, the scene is cut with a voice saying, "stay with me". A new scene is set. Is this a hospital? I seem to be hooked up to something. Feeling very groggy. What was that voice? Who is this man? His words; so breaking, running interference, slicing through to a depth of me I didn't know. How could three words feel so strong, honest and full? I hear something else, like a heartbeat, ever so faint, but trying to catch up, to stay in-sync. What happened, why am I in here? Who is this, with the calm, rushing voice...

Drifting back and forth, in and out of what seemed like a confusion of reality, that voice, those words seemed to course throughout my being; "Stay with me!" In between two separate worlds, both offering their own comforts.

The darkened alley way wraps its warm energies around me, offering a plan of revenge. It's scattered pieces could only make sense in a place of mistrust. Handling the mind like a mere bouncy ball, rapidly hitting and attacking in the most awkward ways. In this state of betrayal, nothing could make more sense. My highest aim was taking the predator out even at the risk of more of my own blood spilled. Plots and plans rolling through my mind. So many, so fast I was losing track...

This voice! Distracting me with it's clever, "stay with me". Stilling everything within me, cutting out periods of time... No crisis detected, just an insistence on my not fading away. Melting within his voice, his face, the familiarity of it all. Awakened to the same expression each time. His eyes empathizing with the sting of my pain. His smile leaving clues that everything was already okay. That somehow vengeance had already played its winning hand. His raised brow line accompanied by the soft wrinkles along his forehead, fiercely dictated that I am his. His posture leading me to believe that I may fade in and out and give way to grief a thousand times over; he's going nowhere. Somehow, just by the way he looked within me, I knew I would breach that dark place again and I knew he'd be coming, too. It seemed that his plea to "stay with me", wasn't a strict command; more like, see me there, I'm with you.

Is there any place I can go to avoid your Spirit?

to be out of your sight?

If I climb to the sky, you’re there!

If I go underground, you’re there!

If I flew on morning’s wings

to the far western horizon,

You’d find me in a minute—

you’re already there waiting!

Then I said to myself, “Oh, he even sees me in the dark!

At night I’m immersed in the light!”

It’s a fact: darkness isn’t dark to you;

night and day, darkness and light, they’re all the same to you.

Psalm 139:7-12

Let me take you back, give you some insight. Several years ago, we found out our daughters had been the victims of pedophilia. An adult, nearly 30, had been preying on and grooming them for his attack. Couple this with a Church that was on the brink of break down- along with the friendships tied to it, I found myself in a torrent of emotion. I couldn't run from it, I couldn't even take a single step away from it all. I was walled in. I'm naturally intense, I experience the depths. We had been in a state of bliss, happy ever after ecstasy for the 5 or 6 years leading up to this-- the fall was great. I hate roller coasters, and this was that, except it seemed to be a constant downward dive, complete with upside down loops. Scariest, hellish ride imaginable. Up to that point I hadn't experienced emotional pain like this. It was inescapable.

Nearly 10 years ago, my husband and I were youth leaders for several years. We had some great kids to work with and some came with emotional sickness. Cutting had become kind of an epidemic in our area, and the church kids were not immune to it. For some it seemed a way to gain attention, for others it was the only escape, relief they could offer themselves. They were in deep emotional pain. At the time, I could not wrap my mind around any of it. Hurting yourself to get over pain made zero sense to me. I simply had never allowed pain to touch me like that, although there were plenty of opportunities.

I had convinced myself that God was all about pleasure, and he is, I just didn't fully believe there could be goodness in pain. I was railing in my emotions, looking for a release, anything that would take those feelings of despair away. I learned that there is an indescribable pleasure released in coming face to face with God in your darkened place of vengeance or whatever has hold of you there. To learn first-hand how big His love for me, and the perpetrator really is. I wanted my people, my friends to comfort me, I was angry with them for not surrounding me, rescuing me. They knew my state and seemingly ran the other way. They certainly did know my state, whether they dropped the ball in my regard is in question. They had no idea the depths of where I was. They didn't see the darkened alleyway where I spent those days, thinking up ways of escape, plans of revenge. They were just imperfect people, incapable of being omnipresent. But, God! He was in me, all around me, distant and so very present. His distance was necessary in drawing me out when I'd gone too far. He made me brave, brave enough to face the storm head on, to go deep and leave none of it untouched. He gave me courage to not just forgive, but to release my captive, my prisoner.

The hardest part as one who proclaimed the all-inclusive beauty and freedom of the gospel of the finished works of Jesus Christ, was allowing it to be true. I went through a series of emotions; I was angry about the inclusivity of the one who hurt my family. He had done great damage, and I didn't think he deserved redemption. For the first time since I'd been introduced to God's amazing grace, I had come face-to-face with the cross and it's power for all. Suddenly, I didn't really care for it. The free gift was staring me down with eyes that agreed with my pain and fully expecting my agreement with his sacrifice for all. Jesus said, "And I, if I be lifted up from the earth, I will draw ALL men to me." John 12:32 It was never a time of bible beating, it was his kindness that lead me to repentance, to agree with, to turn in his direction. It was always his gentle reminder, "stay with me!" that turned me around and set me up to see things his way. But, not until I had come to the end of myself- the end of my desire to wrestle; my judgment vs. his sacrifice. I was tired, weak, battered... done! It was at that moment, at my weakest that Christ's death covered my need to exact punishment and bring justice to my pain. In that moment, I allowed my mind to see the bad guy right in the middle of Christ's goodness. It didn't stop there; spiritually-as in a dream, Holy Spirit lead me to him, removing the chains from his neck. The chains that kept him in a state of drowning. Side note: When Jesus was hanging out with the children, he was overcome with a protectiveness of them. He said, "I tell you the truth, if anyone hurts one of these little ones, they would be better off having a millstone about them and thrown in the sea." This was NOT Jesus' need for punishment for people who harm children. This was his knowing what someone who misuses their time with children would experience. They live in a state of drowning, a heaviness dragging them down for what they've done. Love isn't keeping record of wrong, sin causes pain and punishment all on its own.

My guilt has overwhelmed me.

Like a heavy load, it is more than I can bear.

My wounds smell rotten.

They fester because of my stupidity.

I am bent over and bowed down very low.

All day I walk around in mourning.

My insides are filled with burning pain,

and no healthy spot is left on my body.

I am numb and completely devastated.

I roar because my heart’s in turmoil.

You know all my desires, O Lord,

and my groaning has not been hidden from you.

My heart is pounding.

I have lost my strength.

Even the light of my eyes has left me.

Psalm 38:4-10

David's melancholic thoughts brought me comfort. For he eventually found power in his pain. Like him, my whole world was filled with chaos, in fact I'm still sorting it out. I lost control of my ability keep the house in order. In God's kindness he has let me off the hook, allowing me to see it for what it really is. In pain and sadness we build up self-protective cocoons, some people have the means to buy things to self-protect; I only had my mess. I've been too embarrassed to allow people to see it all, because a single glance would only offer the on-looker the actual disorder. Me too, I had to allow myself to see beyond the surface. Birds collect all kinds of discarded items to build their nests to bring about new life. Caterpillars create a chrysalis from their dead skins, look at the beautiful new life that creates. Well, I have created what appears to be an ordinary mess. Undone. Dirty. Cluttered. Dilapidated. This is the environment I created, surrounded myself with through my pain--my cocoon, if you will. Our environments offer a clear picture of what we've been through. It doesn't have to be seen as a negative; in the acknowledgement of it all I can see that that's not me anymore, I've been transformed. For a while the mess was a brilliant place of safety that served to grow me and expand my ability to receive love and to be healed. The new life, the beauty of it all has built up to the point of irritation now. It's time to break out or clean up! This beautiful piece of protectiveness is now a hindrance to my transformed, new creation mind. We really do grow from glory to glory. The clean-up is hard, because it's somewhat embarrassing to allow my renewed mind to see the necessary chaos I created to protect my fragility. In the desperation to explain me to myself, I side with Christ's opinion and simply see the beauty from the ashes.

We must learn to sit with our pain. You'll hear caring, kind voices pleading with you to move past it. They love you deeply, but you must process the sorrow in order to move on. Today, I stand in victory; when history presents itself, I confidently smile through the tears knowing that that battle was already won. What I'm feeling is just a memory and it’s all been put to rest. It's so good to live on this side of the cross!